I keep dipping in and out of this space.  I want to be here but I’m not quite sure how. It seemed much easier before. Life seemed much easier, in general. Before Melbourne. Before Canberra. Before I decided to uproot up our little family halfway around the world and demand that we call it ‘home’. 

Life is a bit messy at the moment. It’s messy and I’m a little reluctant to write about it for fear of sounding a little self-absorbed and pitiful. Perhaps the hardest thing about writing about ‘the now’ is the admission that 18 months into our Australian adventure it still doesn’t feel like home. There are so many reasons why - some of them have to do with us - but many of them are about Australia. I love this country. I dragged M and E here because I thought we could love it. Perhaps not immediately but I really, honestly thought that we could grow to love this place and that Australia would love us back. But it hasn’t. And we don’t.  I feel guilty for that, and somehow responsible too, even though conceptually I realise that there is nothing I can do.

There’s other stuff too.  An unfulfilling job, the anger of time spent away from E in an unfulfilling job, the push and pull of motherhood, of career, of tending to friendships and relationship, of finding time for ‘me’ only to realise it means less time for them. It’s normal stuff mostly but there seems to be a lot of it at the moment and it’s messy and a bit ugly and when you’re not feeling entirely peachy about your own life you don’t exactly feel like writing about it. You definitely can’t imagine anyone else wanting to read about it.

But today a friend posted this on her facebook page. And then I read this. And then this. I also listened to all of Patti Smith's interview here. She's cool. Actually all of these ladies are cool.  They made me  realise that maybe I might have something to say after all. I'm particularly smitten with Dear Olive, she might just be a new blog crush of mine.


Jo said...

It can be hard when things don't turn out as planned, hoped and dreamed they would. I feel for you, I really do Claire.
I moved to Australia 6 years ago with my then boyfriend (now husband) and although I am mostly settled, he would be on the plane this afternoon if he could; he has real regret at ever leaving the UK. It is a constant 'thing' that is ever present in our lives. If only we could see into the future and know whether time would cure the situation or whether to admit defeat, it would certainly remove a lot of emotion!

And as for guilt, I hear ya! As a non-Aussie, if I ever say anything negative about my move here, I found people were instantly defensive - guilt. Deciding to go back to England and telling my Mom (who lives here) - guilt. Changing my mind about going back and my seeing the disappointment on my hubby's face - guilt. Eugh!

This time of year isn't gonna be making you feel any more fabulous about being in the southern hemisphere when you see the people you left behind having sunny spring weather - it has certainly made me feel a bit glum.

Anyhow, I had intended only to say I feel for you, not write the essay that I have! I offer you a big hug. Jo x

twoblueshoes said...

I followed you here from Peonies and this post made me want to say things like life is messy and motherhood is messier and even though on balance it's usually better, sometimes it's worse, and everybody has these days.
I'm sad you felt this way but I'm glad you wrote it down.
A little wave from an internet stranger.
(I have an Olive crush too.)